I just read the book Start with Yourself by Emma Grede and a concept she really emphasizes is the reality of trade offs. She strongly believes that the sooner you get comfortable with the inevitable trade offs in your life the less turmoil you will feel when making decisions and the easier it will be to live with the consequences of those decisions. The concept is straight forward - that you cannot be in two places at once, and you are going to have to choose where you spend your time and energy. She asserts that success requires sacrifice and that the pressure we feel to “have it all” is setting us up to always feel like we are lacking.
Emma especially emphasizes this pressure when it comes to the expectations put on women. There is this allusive gold standard of a woman who is successful in her career while also being a fully present mother, a devoted wife, an attentive homemaker, an active participant in her community and, of course, in shape, stylish and well kept too. Emma talks about how the pressure to “have it all” in every area of your life is destructive and unrealistic, only adding guilt to the unavoidable reality of trade-offs. In her book she says, “it’s a type of insanity that women are convinced they’ll pull this having-it-all ruse off… You must find a way to give yourself grace and accept that perfection here is not only impossible, its pursuit will limit the joy you find in your life.”
My initial reaction to this message was a mixture of resistance and relief. On the one hand, I want to believe that I CAN have it all. I don’t want to amplify the belief that success takes sacrifice, and that you have to struggle in order to succeed. I know that when you hold a belief as TRUE then you will subconsciously recreate that in your life. If you believe success is hard then it will be.
On the other hand, there does seem to be an unrealistic expectation of what life should look and feel like. I used to believe that there would come a time where I would feel totally in control of every area of my life and I would never feel conflicted or confused. As a result I would put a LOT of pressure on myself to “do better” when in reality the expectations I had for myself were unattainable. I didn’t give myself space to have a slow day or be in a learning process or, God forbid, make a mistake.
The pressure to be acing it in every area of life can be suffocating, especially for women as we are often expected to show up for others and our home in a way that men typically aren’t. I think the antidote to this pressure is embracing the fact that you will never get it all done, and that’s okay. Maybe the belief that success requires sacrifice isn’t a death sentence but a liberation; a permission slip to focus only on what matters most and let yourself off the hook for everything else. It is a practice of being honest and realistic about your capacity given the season of life you are in.
While being interviewed on Emma’s podcast, Aspire, Michelle Obama fully agrees with this concept, saying that, “It’s impossible to have it all, so stop that…. Life is long and you have chapters, and you don’t lose out because you didn’t read the whole book in one sitting.” Her message is similar to the adage that “you can have it all, just not all at one time”. (You can watch her interview here.)
In her book, Emma offers a way to prepare for having to make decisions regarding these inevitable trade offs. She suggests getting clear on your non-negotiables and your values. She makes an annual plan for her life where she reflects on important questions such as:
What would a great year look like?
What progress do I want to make and where?
What am I willing to sacrifice?
What am I not?
What is most important to me & my family this year?
Personally, I also like to do monthly check in’s where I ask myself:
How did I spend my time last month? Is it aligned with my vision & goals?
What’s working / what did I do well last month that I want to continue doing?
What’s not working / where can I improve for this next month?
What are the biggest lessons I learned this month?
What area of my life could use more care & attention?
What am I especially grateful for right now?
I love the practice of getting clear on where you’re at and where you’re going. Setting goals is helpful not necessarily because of what achieving those goals will help you accomplish, but because it provides a framework for you to make decisions and lead yourself more confidently.
As much as we try to plan and predict what’s to come, the reality is that all we can do is make the best decision in the moment and trust that we can handle what follows. When we are aware that life is made up of trade offs we can consciously choose what we say “yes” to and let go of the guilt about everything else.